A heartwarming tale of British on-line banking incompetence

For those of you suffering from COVID-19 isolation blues, spare a thought for those of us shielding and having to do most things from home ?   What I particularly love is the infinite inertia of corporations,  lack of empowerment and that no one will own the problem and take command, or recognise that it is inter-departmental and just escalate there and then; it is all my fault.

I promise that this is a genuine transcript - I have just added some colour to the transcript to make it clear who is typing and asterisked out some details for obvious reasons.

Oh and in case you missed it, I thought I'd just point out that this is NATWEST Bank.

Enjoy.

= = = = = = = = = = =

Info at 15:42, Jan 17:

This chat will be recorded for monitoring purposes. For details on how we use data see natwest.com/privacy

Info at 15:42, Jan 17:

Connected with Cora

Cora at 15:42, Jan 17:

To ensure we continue to provide you with a reliable service, we will be carrying out routine maintenance from approximately 01:25AM until approximately 06:00AM this Sunday 19th January. This means that our Online, Mobile and Telephone banking services will be unavailable during these times. We are sorry for any inconvenience that this will cause and thank you for your patience.

Cora at 15:42, Jan 17:

Hey there. I'm Cora, your digital assistant. How can I help?

You at 15:42, Jan 17:

I need to speak to a human, please

Cora at 15:42, Jan 17:

Here are some of the top things that I get asked, just tap the button to start a journey with me.

Cora at 15:43, Jan 17:

Change my details

Update mobile number

Unknown transaction

Cancel a transaction

Check a statement

Pending transaction

Travelling abroad

Change my address

+ more

You at 15:43, Jan 17:

I need to speak to a human, please

Cora at 15:43, Jan 17:

Just a moment...

Cora at 15:43, Jan 17:

Ok, let’s see if one of my colleagues are available. This can take up to a minute.

Info at 15:43, Jan 17:

Please wait while I transfer the chat to an agent who will be able to help you further.

Info at 15:43, Jan 17:

You are now chatting with Yukta.

Yukta at 15:43, Jan 17:

Good Afternoon . Hope you are doing well. Please help me with your full name? 

You at 15:43, Jan 17:

***************************

You at 15:44, Jan 17:

?

Yukta at 15:45, Jan 17:

Thanks ****** 

Yukta at 15:45, Jan 17:

I'm sorry for the delay, actually my system was playing a bit

Yukta at 15:45, Jan 17:

How may I assist you?

You at 15:46, Jan 17:

I have an Online Banking Card. I do not have a current account with you. I do use online banking. I need to change the PIN on my card but an in-branch machine will not accept it. The lady in the ****** Branch said my card reader can do this but I need to speak to you to find out how.

Yukta at 15:48, Jan 17:

I will certainly check that for you

You at 15:48, Jan 17:

Thank you.

Yukta at 15:53, Jan 17:

Thanks for waiting.

You at 15:53, Jan 17:

OK

Yukta at 15:55, Jan 17:

May I confirm if your PIN have been blocked 

You at 15:55, Jan 17:

No. I just can't remember it and I have no intention of writing it down and keeping it with the card.

You at 15:59, Jan 17:

Try searching your answer bank for "Online Banking Card" and "Change PIN" ?

Yukta at 15:59, Jan 17:

Thanks for confirming this. 

Yukta at 16:01, Jan 17:

As you have an Online banking card for this you will not be able to change the PIN for that card from your end. And in this case we can order a New Online Banking card for you with a new PIN. 

Yukta at 16:01, Jan 17:

Shall I order a new one for you ?

You at 16:01, Jan 17:

Well, that's no good is it ? You'll just send me a new card with another PIN I can't remember.

You at 16:02, Jan 17:

Why have I been told by your staff (twice) that my card reader can do it, if it can't ?

You at 16:03, Jan 17:

It ought to be as easy as insert card; press some combination of blue buttons; enter old PIN, enter new PIN twice and the PIN gets re-written.

You at 16:03, Jan 17:

How can this be so difficult ?

Yukta at 16:03, Jan 17:

Just a moment.

Yukta at 16:04, Jan 17:

I have checked it and if you want to make the PIN according to your preference then you can follow these steps :

Yukta at 16:05, Jan 17:

1. Insert the card into a Card-Reader

2. Keep pressing the 'MENU' button until they see the message 'PIN' CHANGE' and pressing 'OK' - NOTE: If this option is not available the customer will need to order a new Card-Reader.

3. Enter the existing PIN and press 'OK'

4. Enter new PIN and press 'OK'

5. Repeat and enter the new PIN and press 'OK'

6. Message confirmed with 'PIN CHANGED'

You at 16:05, Jan 17:

Thought so.

Yukta at 16:06, Jan 17:

I'm sorry for the confusion, I through you wanted to order PIN reminder 

You at 16:06, Jan 17:

OK. I have firmware version 0875.08 on my card reader, which doesn't have that option. So please send me a new card reader.

You at 16:07, Jan 17:

No. I definitely typed "change the PIN".

Yukta at 16:07, Jan 17:

I'm really sorry for the confusion.

Yukta at 16:08, Jan 17:

Sure I can order a card for you. However, can can do that at your end as well

Yukta at 16:08, Jan 17:

Shall I share the steps ?

You at 16:08, Jan 17:

I do not need a new card; it looks like I need a new card reader with up to date firmware installed.

You at 16:08, Jan 17:

NO, Please can you do it.

You at 16:08, Jan 17:

Sorry. "no".

Yukta at 16:09, Jan 17:

No worries, I will do that for you 

Yukta at 16:09, Jan 17:

In order to assist you further with this specific enquiry I need to take you through identification.

Is this okay?

You at 16:10, Jan 17:

How am I even talking to you if that hasn't be done ? I came through via online banking.

You at 16:10, Jan 17:

OK. fire away....

Yukta at 16:12, Jan 17:

May I please have your Customer Number? The number starts with your date of birth (ddmmyy), followed by up to 4 digits, given to you when you enrolled for online banking or Telephone Banking.

Yukta at 16:12, Jan 17:

I do understand but you have come through online website and I can see that you are not logged in Online banking 

You at 16:13, Jan 17:

You do realise you are appearing to me via lpcdn.lpsnmedia.net and not via NatWest.com or nwolb.com or anything else that looks remotely like NatWest is involved in this ?

You at 16:13, Jan 17:

*******

Yukta at 16:16, Jan 17:

Thanks, there might be a slight delay while I check the information. Thanks for your patience.

You at 16:16, Jan 17:

OK

Yukta at 16:17, Jan 17:

Thanks for waiting so long 

Yukta at 16:18, Jan 17:

May I get your 1st Line of address along with Post code ?

You at 16:18, Jan 17:

******, *******

Yukta at 16:20, Jan 17:

Thanks

Yukta at 16:22, Jan 17:

I can see that a temporary block is currently placed on your Online Banking account . Due to some suspicious activity, our Fraud Team has blocked your account for security reasons. It is placed to protect the security of your accounts.

Yukta at 16:22, Jan 17:

So you can remove this block right now by contacting our Fraud Team and they will share the reason and activities due to which it has been done.

You at 16:23, Jan 17:

How do I do that ? Have you ordered a new card reader for me ?

Yukta at 16:24, Jan 17:

As your account is been blocked we are unable to order it and check your account from our end. However, in this case you can get your account unblocked from our Fraud team by contacting them at:

0800 161 5165.

Yukta at 16:24, Jan 17:

Its their free phone number

You at 16:24, Jan 17:

I have one savings account but can see c 6 of my mother-in-law's accounts over which I have POA.

You at 16:25, Jan 17:

OK. Can they order the new card reader ?

Yukta at 16:28, Jan 17:

Yes, this is because your account is been blocked due to which you are unable to check the details. However, due to this block we are also not able to check that and order a new card reader for you 

Yukta at 16:28, Jan 17:

Once your account is unblocked we can order a new card reader for you 

You at 16:28, Jan 17:

Can you wait online while I call the fraud team ? I can't bear to go through all this rigmarole again.

Yukta at 16:30, Jan 17:

No worries, You can chat back with us anytime and the previous adviser will be able to see our conversion and help you further 

You at 16:31, Jan 17:

OK. I am in another queue.

Yukta at 16:31, Jan 17:

Please be assured they wilol soon be connected to you 

Yukta at 16:31, Jan 17:

Will*

You at 16:36, Jan 17:

Still in a queue. I have been taking to Nat West for almost an hour now and I am worse off than when I started.

Yukta at 16:38, Jan 17:

I do apologise for the inconvenience caused to you.

Yukta at 16:39, Jan 17:

However, they might be having a high volume in the calls. However, please be assured you will go through this.

Yukta at 16:39, Jan 17:

However, if possible I would have done this for you.

Yukta at 16:39, Jan 17:

As the block is been placed by the fraud team we are unable to remove it from our end 

You at 16:40, Jan 17:

OK but I wasn't blocked when I started speaking to you and now I need something done, I find I am.

Yukta at 16:43, Jan 17:

I'm really sorry for this, however we are unable to remove the block from our end .

You at 16:43, Jan 17:

OK. I am still in the queue. You have been perfectly helpful but I would like you to make sure that when the supervisors review the monthly interaction for Cora that they look at this one and ask themselves how was this customer helped ?

Yukta at 16:45, Jan 17:

I’m sorry CORA wasn’t able to help you at first point of contact. CORA is an artificial intelligence bot, which is still learning, day-by-day, how to deal with customer queries. I will provide your feedback to the team that creates the content that sits behind the bot, so that we can continue to train and develop CORA to help more customers going forward. 

Yukta at 16:46, Jan 17:

However, I really do apologies for this we are improving it.

Yukta at 16:46, Jan 17:

Please be assured you will soon be connected to the team, as they might be having a high flow of the calls you are unable to get in touch with them

Yukta at 16:47, Jan 17:

Please be assured once your account is been unblocked you can surely order a card reader from your end or you can also chat back with us 

Yukta at 16:47, Jan 17:

We are here to support you 24/7. If you face any issue, please get back to us anytime and we will be glad to help you.

You at 16:49, Jan 17:

OK but artificial or not, it doesn't seem very intelligent. Why hasn't it been pre-loaded with all the business processes ?

Yukta at 16:51, Jan 17:

I do agree with your view point and we are still working on it to make improvements 

Yukta at 16:51, Jan 17:

Please be assured this will soon be improved 

You at 16:54, Jan 17:

You couldn't make this up. The Fraud Team cannot find me and have transferred me to customer services !!!!

Yukta at 16:56, Jan 17:

I'm really sorry for this, however your accounts is been blocked by them 

Yukta at 16:57, Jan 17:

And we cannot remove the block from our end 

Yukta at 16:58, Jan 17:

I have provided you all the possible resolutions if you wish I can transfer your chat to my supervisor.

You at 17:00, Jan 17:

No thanks. I think they will just tell me what you have already told me.

Yukta at 17:01, Jan 17:

I'm sorry for the inconvenience caused to you, However if possible I would have done this for you 

Yukta at 17:02, Jan 17:

It will soon be sorted for you 

Yukta at 17:02, Jan 17:

Apart from this , Is there anything else I can help you with today?

You at 17:03, Jan 17:

Currently, I don't share your confidence, judging by what has happened so far.

Yukta at 17:04, Jan 17:

I really do apologies for this, however it will soon be sorted

Yukta at 17:04, Jan 17:

I hope the best for you 

You at 17:05, Jan 17:

But it is almost 2 hours of my life that I will never get back. It is like NatWest has set out to drive its customers away.

Yukta at 17:05, Jan 17:

I understand your point clearly and agree with you as well, however if this was possible from our end we would've done this by now

Yukta at 17:08, Jan 17:

i'll route you my manager for best actions in this case.

Yukta at 17:08, Jan 17:

Please be online

You at 17:08, Jan 17:

I cannot believe this. I have to go into a branch - where I might add, I was told they could not help me - with photo id, so they can call Fraud. Then I have to call Fraud again. Who makes these rules ? Customer Services has identified me.

Info at 17:08, Jan 17:

Please wait while your chat is transferred to Apurvesh.

Info at 17:08, Jan 17:

You are now chatting with Apurvesh.

Apurvesh at 17:09, Jan 17:

Hi ******************.

You at 17:09, Jan 17:

Good evening.

Apurvesh at 17:09, Jan 17:

Please allow me sometime to review your conversation till now.

You at 17:10, Jan 17:

I don't think you can do anything to help me, other than to assure me that this transaction will be reviewed by the Customer Services Manager as an object lesson in why your customers leave the Bank. Which I am very likely to do, once this has all been sorted out.

Apurvesh at 17:12, Jan 17:

I'm really sorry to know that ****************.

You at 17:12, Jan 17:

What I thought would be a simple 2 minute transaction has taken almost 2 hours, at least 5 members of staff on the phone, and I now have an obsolete card reader, an Online Banking Card that the Fraud Team doesn't believe I have and all my online accounts are locked out. I wish I'd never started this.

Apurvesh at 17:12, Jan 17:

But please don't worry, this will get sorted for you.

You at 17:13, Jan 17:

But it won't. I now have to go into a branch with photo id before anyone will talk to me.

You at 17:13, Jan 17:

And with NatWest closing branches left right and centre, it is hard to still find one that is open. **************** Branch went last year.

Apurvesh at 17:14, Jan 17:

I'm sorry to know that.

Apurvesh at 17:14, Jan 17:

I hope it get sorted for you at the earliest.

Apurvesh at 17:15, Jan 17:

If you want then you can also raise this as a complaint as well.

Apurvesh at 17:16, Jan 17:

I haven't heard from you for a while. I'll close the chat in a couple of minutes if you don't require any more assistance?

You at 17:17, Jan 17:

No, I won't raise it as a complaint if you can assure me that it will get reviewed as a lesson on how not to do customer service ?

Apurvesh at 17:19, Jan 17:

I will definitely review this conversation and make sure that any error or mistake is fed back

You at 17:19, Jan 17:

Just to be clear, I have no problem with your colleague who was talking to me on Cora before. It is just that no one seems able to talk to other departments and the Online Banking Card I was issued by the Bank couldn't be found by the Fraud Team - so they don't believe I am who I say I am despite Customer Services finding me and telling Fraud that it's OK.

You at 17:19, Jan 17:

I am just banging my head against the wall now.

You at 17:20, Jan 17:

And I will be dining out on how incompetent the Bank is for the next few months.

Apurvesh at 17:20, Jan 17:

I'm really sorry to hear that.

Apurvesh at 17:21, Jan 17:

But *********, if you wish then you can log this as a complaint so that the complete situation can get reviewed and isn't only limited to any department.

Apurvesh at 17:23, Jan 17:

I haven't heard from you for a while. I'll close the chat in a couple of minutes if you don't require any more assistance?

Apurvesh at 17:25, Jan 17:

I'll close this chat now. If you need further help then please chat back with us. Many thanks

Info at 17:25, Jan 17:

Thank you for chatting with us.

Forward to the Moon - summary of a presentation at the Royal Aeronautical Society

On Monday 23 September 2019, NASA Chief Scientist Dr James Green knocked our socks off at the Royal Aeronautical Society with his presentation of the agency’s Strategy for Lunar Exploration over the next 5 or so years.

[You can listen to the AUDIO from the RAeS lecture by following the link on this page:
https://www.aerosociety.com/news/audio-forward-to-the-moon-nasa-s-strategic-plan-for-lunar-exploration/   ]

I can’t do Dr Green’s talk justice here; I was mesmerised by what he had to say and forgot to take any notes at the time, so all this is from a (poor) memory, scribbled on the back of the Evening Standard on the tube journey home. Notes below are my summary and generally don’t use his words – and of course, I may have inadvertently scrambled some of his messages. I’ve also concentrated on the “origins” section below, much more than on the “futures”.

Looking back on Lunar exploration and the formation of the Solar System.

NASA has sent astronauts to 6 sites on the Moon in different terrains and orbited many more times. As part of the Apollo mission series, 850lb [c 385kg] of Lunar material has been returned to Earth and stored securely and cleanly in the Lunar Archive at the Johnson Space Flight Centre. Scientists around the world can get access to study it by submitting a research proposal; currently teams from the USA, UK, France, Germany and Japan are still working on those rocks, 50 years after they were collected. Apollo is the programme that keeps on giving.

These results, combined with analysis of orbiter data and what we know of the geology of the Earth, have helped to constrain current models of the formation of the Earth-Moon system and the Solar system itself, as well as shaped scientific objectives for future Lunar exploration.

[There is a very readable summary of US Lunar exploration here:

https://moon.nasa.gov/exploration/history/ ]

The Moon wasn’t a roaming body captured by the Earth’s gravity during the formation of the Solar system. From the chemical (whole rock), mineralogical (rock constituent) and isotope analyses, it’s now clear that the Earth and the Moon are made of the same stuff. The gross structure is similar – crust, mantle and core but different in detail – thickness/proportions, magnetic field and seismic/thermal regimes.

So what happened ? The model currently in favour with the bookies (other models are available, but not many) accounts for the distribution of crust, mantle and core, gravity field, the overall angular momentum, orbits and spin of both bodies. A Mars-sized body of the proto-Moon (known as Thea) condensed from material in the same initial orbit as the proto-Earth in their paths around the early Sun. Thea and the proto-Earth came together in a massive collision > 4000 M years ago. [Context: geologists generally agree the age of the Earth to be c 4567 M years].

Thea was blown apart and its debris field enveloped the proto-Earth. The majority of material forming Thea’s core orbiting the proto-Earth within c 3 Earth-radii (the Roche Limit) fell back to a now molten proto-Earth. Material outside the Roche Limit coalesced to form the Moon but much closer to the Earth than it is today. Heat from the extremely hot post-collision Earth ablated the Moon’s nearside surface causing it to fall back onto its farside, thickening the crust there. With the Moon reconstituted, it seemed much larger in the early sky, tidally locked to the Earth’s rotation but orbiting more closely and quickly around a faster spinning Earth.

But today, the Moon is at c 60 Earth-radii distant – can it have moved away ? The Apollo 11 laser ranging experiment placed on the Sea of Tranquillity by Neil Armstrong has confirmed that the Moon is currently retreating from the Earth by c 4 cm a year. About the same as one’s fingernails grow, but over geological time, enough to get the Moon where it is today. The Moon’s orbital period around the Earth would now take longer and the Earth’s spin on its axis would now be slower (ie fewer days in an Earth year). This is in agreement with daily growth increments on rugose corals from the Earth’s Devonian period (c 400 M years ago) indicating 420 days in an Earth year at the time.  [Context: the Cambrian explosion of hard bodied life was c 540 M year ago].

We are lucky to be living now; in a few more Million years, the Moon’s disc will no longer exactly obscure the Sun’s face and there will be no more spectacular total Solar eclipses.

So, we now have a Moon with:

* a tidally locked, spin-orbit coupling keeping one face (the nearside) towards the Earth

* a very small core (most of Thea’s core material was incorporated back into the Earth)

* a thick gabbroic mantle (volcanic outbursts of which formed much of the Lunar maria)

* a dry, thinnish crust, thicker on the farside than the nearside, of mainly Anorthosite (a rock made predominantly of Anorthite, a calcium-aluminium plagioclase feldspar, with almost no water or hydroxyl molecules bound within).

And yet….

When the LCROSS spacecraft was deliberately crashed onto the Lunar surface near its South Pole, an orbiter detected a decaying plume of water vapour whenever it passed over the crash site. The crash site was in the South Pole – Aitken (SPA) Basin, the largest and oldest clearly recognisable crater, possibly produced by a 250km scale impactor, arriving at c 15km/sec. The craters within it are in almost permanent shadow, no matter what aspect the Moon presents to the Sun, so it’s been very cold, for a very long time.

More intense study of the orbiter’s detection of water vapour revealed that peaks were also produced as the Earth-Moon system passed through debris in their orbit around the Sun; these are the meteor showers we see from Earth. So impacts were releasing water held in the Lunar regolith at the SPA. As a by-product from this analysis, peaks in the SPA water vapour detection at times when there weren’t known meteor showers on Earth revealed that the meteor showers were there but we just hadn’t realised it !

The rest of the Moon is bone dry; so how did the water get into the SPA ? Crater impact studies, begun by the late Gene Shoemaker in the 1960s and backed up by radiometric dates from Apollo rocks have revealed several phases of meteorite bombardment. Our best theory at the moment is that the Late Heavy Bombardment, a 200 M year impacting episode either side of c 3900 M years ago, was responsible.  [Context: 200 M years is c 3 times as long as the dinosaurs have been gone].

But where did all this impacting material come from ? The inner planets were thought to be fairly well formed and pretty dry by this time. For the outer planets (the gas giants), it was another story. Despite their shiny and powerful new computers, planetary scientists had been unable to agree on a plausible model for their formation. In frustration, some tried to model a system that would form the observed number of gas giants at all, and worry about the constraints (mass, distance, separation, angular momentum, composition etc) on the solution afterwards. As it turned out, making adjustments to the model parameters produced 4 gas giants of approximately the right relative masses; just not at the right distances.

Letting that model run with the outer planets much closer together than they are today, an instability developed and tidal (gravitational) forces eventually tore material from all 4 of them and in releasing it towards the Sun, the planets also shifted their orbits; Jupiter inwards; Saturn, Uranus and Neptune outwards, to their present configuration. This material formed the stuff of the Late Heavy Bombardment (LHB) and the inner planets and their moons all got it with both barrels for c 200 M years, bringing water molecules with it. Mercury and Venus couldn’t retain the water; the Earth, our Moon and Mars held on to more or less of it.

While the Earth was getting pummelled and hydrated during the LHB, so was the Moon. It has been calculated that together with mantle outgassing from Maria eruptions, the Moon received enough material in this 200 M year span that it was able to form an atmosphere with about 12-15 hPa (mBar) pressure [Context: the Earth's present day atmosphere is around 1010 hPa] which could be sustained as long as the LHB continued and before its initial liquid core cooled and the magnetic dynamo ran out. That fleeting atmosphere allowed Lunar weather and the rain, snow, CO and CO₂ accumulated in deep, dark places like the SPA and froze solid. When the LHB ended, water that was in sunlit areas melted and evaporated away into space.

Looking forward to further exploration.

There is good evidence for much of this theory but we haven’t visited the SPA and subjected the rocks there to the closest scrutiny to see if they can support this.

Turns out, from infrared remote sensing and gravimetric measurements, the SPA is also rich in Platinoid group elements – thought to have been brought there by a large impact after Lunar formation but before the LHB, forming the SPA itself – and slamming the Moon hard enough to readjust its internal mass and possibly alter its rotational axis by up to 5 degrees. This is just the sort of thing to interest mining companies, as those materials are quite rare at reachable depths on the Earth.

These and the desire to get to Mars has propelled NASA to produce a near-term Lunar exploration strategy.

The Artemis programme has 3 phases and aims to establish a habitation near the Lunar South Pole by 2024.

https://www.nasa.gov/artemis

Its objectives are to:

* create a Lunar orbiting Gateway spacestation in a highly elliptical orbit over the SPA

* establish a series of remote telescopes in different parts of the spectrum, on the Lunar farside away from radio interference from Earth

* send the first woman and the next man to a sustainable Lunar habitation near the South Pole

* offer mining of the SPA resources

* enable manufacturing in low gravity from local materials and those brought in via Gateway

* provide a fuel depot for topping up the Gateway for spacecraft in transit to Mars

This ambitious programme will collaborate with industrial partners and other nations’ Space Agencies.

Technologies are already available to process available water to provide Hydrogen (fuel) and Oxygen (to breathe) and to house humans sustainably. One of the decisions involves where to place the habitat. Putting it on the surface could subject its exterior to temperature variations of as much as 200 deg C over a Lunar day / Earth month; that could make it hard to sustain a manageable temperature range inside the structure. Putting it inside a Skylight – something that looks like an elliptical crater but is actually a lava tube with part of the roof collapsed – is more attractive as the temperature extremes are much less.

[A case is made for visiting the South Pole – Aitken Crater area, here:

https://lunar-landing.arc.nasa.gov/sites/default/files/presentations/06_Jolliff_SPA_landing_sites_0.pdf ]

= = =

[Of course, in terms of lava tubes and habitation technology, us Brits know who really got there first:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ok6CoIwcJ-E   ]

Turning base metals into Gold in Silvertown

Never mind that it's the civil engineering wonder of the 20th century (or that I had a very, very tiny and incidental part to play in the geotechnical engineering of it), or that it has kept Londoners safe from flooding since Oct 1982, the Environment Agency's PR team managed to make the announcement of the annual maintenance of the Thames Barrier sound about as attractive as a damp winter's weekend in Bolton.



Those who'd read the press releases and decided to give it a miss on Sunday 2 October 2016 ought to be kicking themselves.  The elegant curves of the pier roofs, glistening in the autumn sunshine, which dappled the flowing river combined with the lovely surroundings of the Thames Barrier Park and the wavelike topiary of the hedging in its sunken garden, on the north bank in Silvertown, made the whole thing like watching a Sunday cricket match - with the exception that something was happening all the time.

The Barrier is always impressive from the South Side visitor centre, even if the security nazis think anyone with a camera has the faintest interest in what's going on in the control room 30 metres up in the air, way over your left shoulder.



The road less travelled on the north side - there's even a free car park a few metres from the park entrance - at Pontoon Dock (DLR), has a much more interesting view of what the maintenance is really about.  Looking downstream from the London side of the Barrier allows an unobstructed view of the gates coming majestically into their raised positions,



brilliant views of wading birds paddling through the mud at low tide - and of course, it's forever low tide when the Barrier is up.



Then as the main span gates are raised half a metre or so to their underspill position, the accumulated head of water from the downstream Thames roars under the lower lips of the gates through the narrow gap, scouring mud and gravel away from the gate seatings and causing the river to apparently boil in the turbulence.  It's very impressive stuff; it makes quite a noise, oxygenates the water and enables a feeding frenzy for the sea birds whirling and diving above it.



And all this is helped along by the hidden gem that is the Thames Barrier Park cafe.  Lovely staff, providing an endless supply of delicious tea and coffee at reasonable prices, meant that even Granny in her wheel chair was simultaneously fascinated by the hydraulic spectacle, proud of the British engineering skills that made it so and refreshed by the tea.

Book yourself a place for next year - mind you the lovely weather might have played a part in such an enjoyable time.

Three cheers for the Environment Agency and the Port of London Authority; not something I'd dreamed I'd ever be saying, but there it is.

Observations on the RNAS Culdrose 2016 Air Day

With poor weather forecast for over a week, it was with some trepidation that I bowled up at RNAS Culdrose for Arrivals Day.  I hadn't booked an advance ticket as the official Arrivals Day on base had been hiked from £25 to £40 this year, which at a 60% increase certainly didn't produce a 60% increase in value. The weather as forecast, was poor for most of the day and the arrivals only really began trickling in around 14H30 and then in numbers, just as people were being encouraged to leave.

Caught up with an old friend from my youth, who felled me with some terrible news about his health. He was being taken to the show the next day by his granddaughters and he confidently, if stoically, expected it to be his final one.

Air Day itself dawned on 28 July in poor visibility and although it showed signs of lifting during the day, never really improved much.  However, given the forecast, one would have thought alternative arrangements could have been planned.

After years of taking my chances on the crowd line, this year I decided to plump for the Seahawk Enclosure, which was a brilliant call. A large marquee, with a few tables and chairs, an attended pay bar with an adjacent grandstand and portaloos, all in a prime location meant many of the discomforts were removed at a stroke.

Went to photograph the static display in the mist and ended up getting lost, after I'd been coming here since 1972.

Even if you could find the display,

once again, the barriers around some of the static aircraft were far too close.

Just for once, please rein in the lust for Mammon through the commercial pitches and move them all back a bit ?

With a set of misty and rather unsatisfactory pictures, I collected the pre-booked picnic lunch; it was very good and we made our way to the grandstand seating, which gave an elevated view around the base.  Not that much could be seen though; even the seagulls were walking.




Rather like Kenneth Wolstenholme and football, George Bacon is an institution amongst air show commentators. After his upbeat welcome and assurances that all would be well, his incessant chatter was broken by an interview with Rear Admiral Keith Blount who gave an informative, inspiring and uplifting view on the future of Naval Aviation.

The flying started badly when the Belgian F-16s cancelled and continued directly to Spain.  This rather set the pattern for the day and it wasn't long before the Belgian Sea King (waiting tantalisingly over at Bravo South) then cancelled and was towed across the duty runway to augment the static display.  With more reassurances from George, the radio revealed that the Sea Vixen was circling over Falmouth Bay in blue skies, with plenty of fuel, waiting for a break but was eventually sent away.

Then the curfew tolled the knell of parting day when Commander Ian Fitter gave a lacklustre set of excuses and announced that he had cancelled the flying display.  The @RNASCuldrose and @CuldroseAirDay twitter feeds were notable for the lack of replies to the many "What are you going to do about it ?" queries, presumably due to acute embarrassment; it is not like Culdrose is a stranger to poor weather (Air Days 2008, 2009, 2011 for example).

The Sea Harrier ground display was already a feature in the programme, with two SHAR FA.2 and a Harrier T.8 taxying up and down the runway, in front of the crowd.


This theme could easily have been built upon.  Culdrose has so much to offer and it is quite lamentable how little thought had been given to a bad weather plan, where people could stay on the crowd line; the Helston Twirlers in the arena and the Worm World stand in hangar C2 just isn't enough:

• there's bound to be an airfield bird-scarer or two; bring that on and play the calls from the Land Rover loudspeakers with a commentary ?  Do they have live birds of prey as well; put on a display in front of the crowd ?
• no-one is asking aircrew to take unnecessary risks during peace time but couldn't we have seen some hover taxying ? It was done a few years back in even worse conditions.
• there are Fire and Rescue vehicles all around the base on standby, why not drive them up and down and put out a burning car wreck on the grass ?  In the 1970s, an announcement used to come over the PA "Would the owner of car xxx please move it, as it is blocking...". This would be repeated at half-hourly intervals in an increasingly irritated tone until just before the flying was due to start,  a final warning was given and a Wessex picked up an old banger and inevitably dropped it near crowd centre.

Where has the Royal Navy's improvise, adapt, overcome innovative creativeness gone ?  Down the drain with the Treasury budget cuts, I suspect.

Sea King ASaC.7 XV656/185 of 849 NAS puts on a ground display at the 2011 RNAS Culdrose Air Day. It can be done.

It's a bl**dy long way to Helston and the day certainly wasn't saved but a few incidents for me, put a tiny bit of the shine that the Royal Navy is usually so good at producing, back on:

• 6 Hawks returned from a Thursday War tasking and found about the only break in the mist during the afternoon, to recover.
• there were a couple of premature departures.
• because many people had cleared off as soon as the announcement of flying cancellation had been made, access to the static display in the late afternoon improved enormously.
• I was shown around an 820 NAS Merlin by Observer Chris Ford, who turned it into a really memorable experience with his expert knowledge, personal charisma and excellent delivery, peppered with astute and ascerbic observations.  This officer has a bright future as an after-dinner speaker.

After so many miserable Air Days at Culdrose, of course I'll be going back next year.  And while I won't be ripped off for the Arrivals Day, I will be returning to the Seahawk Enclosure, if only for my wife to have somewhere dry to sit.

You can see some more pictures (just) from the Arrivals Day and Air Day at the RNAS Culdrose Air Day 2016 flickr group page.

Proposed air display and low flying permission charges: 2016/17 review

1 Background
The UK Civil Aviation Authority (CAA) has reviewed its administration costs following the tragic accident at the 2015 Shoreham Air Show.  It has published CAP1373b, currently at version 2, here:
http://publicapps.caa.co.uk/docs/33/statutory%20charges%20GA%20V2.pdf

2 Finding out about it
I urge you to:
* Read it (it's only 9 pages, plus an Appendix).
* Read it again, very carefully.
* Pinch yourself.
* Ask yourself "Did it really say that" ?

As a back-covering exercise for Shoreham 2015 and a whitewash going forward, it has declared that it wasn't recovering its full costs of pushing Air Display paperwork around and is now going to recover a further £250K (for costs it is introducing) from Air Display organisers.

3 Its conclusions
A shortfall of administrative costs had previously been absorbed and was part of its total, reported operating costs.

Let's examine what that means:
* The CAA was quite content to absorb these administrative cost - otherwise it would have brought forward proposals to recover it, years ago.
*  All other UK airspace, air infrastructure and airspace management service users were paying over the odds to allow the CAA to operate the airshow sector at a loss.

4 Deadline
We have until 29 Feb 2016 to provide formal comments on CAP1373b, by completing an online form (see 8.2 below).

5 What the CAA should do with our comments
That means between 1 March (when comments close) and 1 April 2016 (when the new charging regime for the 2016/2017 season begins), the CAA, within 30 days, is going to carefully:
5.1 Scrutinise every comment submitted
5.2 Classify and prioritise every comment for consideration
5.3 Conduct its analysis
5.4 Generate a series of options as responses to the comments
5.5 Make recommendations to its policy and charging board
5.6 Amend and re-publish CAP1373b to take account of the changes accepted
5.7 Amend all the stationery that's already been printed for the forms
5.8 Change its online web presence to include the amendments based on the accepted comments.
5.9 Count the pigs flying past its Kingsway windows.

6 What the CAA will do with our comments
The CAA is going to make these charges from 1 April 2016, no matter what comments it receives to its paper CAP1373b.  You know how the civil servants work:
* Don't play the ball, play the man.
* Never explain, never compromise, never apologise.

7 There's more...
And that's not all.  The last paragraph on p.4 of CAP1373b version 2 essentially says that there's going to be a root and branch review of the regulations and the charges for Air Displays from the 2017/18 season going forwards.

So we can kiss goodbye to air displays in the UK from then.

8 What can we do about this ?
8.1 - Read CAP1373b and make up your own mind (I am a bit ranty about this, as you can tell from the above).

8.2 - Whatever you think, tell the CAA on this online form BEFORE 29 February 2016
http://publicapps.caa.co.uk/modalapplication.aspx?appid=58

It gives you 6 opportunities to comment on different paragraphs of the report.  If you decide to do nothing else, please respond to the official consultation, via the link above.

8.3 - Sign  Darren Willmin's petition to Parliament, here:
Ask Civil Aviation Authority to rethink their charges to the 2016 Airshow season

8.4 - Write to your MP about the matter so they know your view, when it comes to a debate:
https://www.writetothem.com/     or  http://www.parliament.uk/get-involved/contact-your-mp/

8.5 - Write to as many UK commercial aviation organisations as you can find and tell them that the CAA has been overcharging them for its services for years and to demand a refund from them.  If the CAA wants to push paper around, it can push it around getting its own house in order.

8.6 - Please tell others about this page.

8.7 - After 29 February 2016, make an application to the CAA under the Freedom of Information Act 2000, to force it to explain how much of the 8 stage response to consultation (see 5.1 to 5.8 above) it actually carried out.

You can write to the CAA at:
Civil Aviation Authority
CAA House
45-59 Kingsway
London
WC2B 6TE

Main Switchboard: 020 7379 7311

8.8 - Procedural approaches
8.8.1 Ask the Parliamentary Public Accounts Committee to take a closer look at the charging structure of the totality of the CAA's business and examine it for value for money.
http://www.parliament.uk/business/committees/committees-a-z/commons-select/public-accounts-committee/
8.8.2 Appeal to the Equality & Human Rights Commission on the grounds that the CAA has not carried out an Equality Impact Assessment (EqIA)  http://www.equalityhumanrights.com/
8.8.3 Ask the CAA to extend its comment deadline until it has supplied you with a usable/understandable version of CAP1373b in large print, Braille, Easy Read, on audio cassette, or in your first language (Hindi, Cornish, Xhosa, Cherokee, Suomi etc).

8.9 Air Display Organisers
You are already paying your Control Tower costs for the necessary air traffic services.  Don't organise any Air Displays.  Instead, organise a Fly In on the day(s) you had planned.  Encourage all participants to make several Missed Approach practices (either procedural or under Radar Control).  You will not need any special permissions nor low flying permits, as your visitors will not be "Low Flying" they will be making normal approaches.  This should also legitimise your penchant for bouncy castles.

Questions that weren't answered when MPs voted to bomb Syria.

* Who is it we will be bombing, exactly ?
* How will we tell one set of bad guys from another ?
* How do you propose that we establish effective operational coordination with the Russians, to avoid casualties to their people on the ground ?
* Can you really see the Americans sharing their dispositions with the Russians ?  If not, how can this possibly work without a catastrophe ?
* Will we be sharing our dispositions with the Russians ?

* What exactly will be the scope of our operations ?
* How will you get the Russians to agree, or at least to stay well clear ?
* How will you convince the Turks and other adjoining nations, not to shoot us down ?

* We may be able to deploy ISTAR/AWACS assets from say Akrotiri but we don't have UAV/drones which are qualified to deliver munitions. That means manned bombers.
* What will the bombers we deploy, otherwise not be doing ?  Can we afford to neglect that ?
* We have Brimstone. Do we have sufficient airframes fitted for its delivery, or will that be a last minute lash-up ?  Do we have enough launcher sets ?
* Do we have enough Brimstone stocks ?  Have we been ordering more Brimstone, without getting taken to the cleaners by the supplier ?
* What arrangements have been made to prove the Brimstone logistic supply chain when demand is high ?
* If we are going to use munitions other than Brimstone, what will we do to avoid collateral damage ?

* How will we identify and validate actual targets for the strike packages ?
* Do we know enough about ad hoc target defence capabilities to surpress / destroy them ?  With what ?
* How will we determine that those targets have been destroyed ?
* How will we measure capability / numeric degradation of ISIL as a result ?
* How do we know we aren't just going to provoke ISIL growth ?  How do we prevent that; we have been remarkably unsuccessful so far.  What's different now ?

* If damaged aircraft make it back to a land base, what arrangements have been made to beef up the military fire and rescue services, to increase chances of survival ?
* Given we have no "proper" Aircraft Carriers with arresting gear for conventional aircraft, what will they do if they have put down in the sea ?
* What arrangements have been made with our NATO allies (principally, the French and the US) for our aircraft to be able to make emergency landings on their Carriers ?
* How many RAF crews are currently qualified to land on a carrier ?  If they aren't, are we prepared to risk those crews and lose our bombers in the process ?
* Are all our bombers even equipped with arresting gear, to make this a possibility ?  What will it take to embark on an equipment fit ?
* If they can't land at sea when damaged, they'll have to ditch. What Royal Navy assets will you be deploying to recover the crews ?  Will they be sufficient for the scale of operations ?

* If they are shot down over Syria, surely a nightmare scenario, how will we get the crews back ?
* The UK Search and Rescue service has just been privatised. You have about 2 months before RN 771 Squadron and RAF 22 Squadron have gone for good.



* You would have had the option to deploy them for Combat SAR and contract at home to cover the domestic SAR gap.  That possibility has evaporated.  How will we get our crews back ?
* What arrangements have been made with our NATO allies for a Combat SAR service, while we work out what we will do and how we will do it ?
* How will our "Expeditionary Air Wing" (however it is constituted) fit into the overall Allied combat command ? (How will they know we need crews rescuing ?)

* Once we have bombed, how will we tell when we have finished the job ?  When ISIL is gone (really) ?, When a free and fair election has occurred ?
* If it's a free and fair election (which I seriously doubt can possibly occur), what if we don't like the result ?  Are we going to bomb again ?
* What if the Russians, or the Iranians, or the Saudis don't like the result ?

* I believe everyone is agreed that an air campaign alone cannot produce whatever the result we think we need.  Boots on the ground are required.
* Where is this source of "regional" manpower ?   Which Arabic nations have committed to supply them ?  How many trained Brigades, Divisions, Regiments ? Are they enough ?
* How will they be brought into the command structure ?  How will we deconflict our missions and avoid bombing them by mistake ?
* Do they have the same objectives as we do ?  How will that potential disjoint get resolved ?

* Once the bombing is over, what is our plan then ?  Reconstruction ? Humanitarian Assistance ? Protecting Historic Sites ? Nation Building ?  For how long ?
* Who do we think the good guys are ?  We need to be cultivating them now (and probably for the previous 10 years) to prepare them to govern.
* Are we sure they are the good guys, or just the least worse guys ?  If the latter, how will that help the people of Syria ?
* If we judge we have finished in Syria, what about ISIL in Iraq and East Africa ?

* What instructions is the FCO going to give to our embassies and consulates in the region ?
* What travel restrictions / additional security arrangements will be put in place if this all kicks off ?
* What "message" are you giving to organisations such as the British Council ?
* What will we need to do to be seen to assist the Red Cross, Red Crescent, Medicins sans Frontiers ?

* Do we really believe the UN vote gives a mandate and legal cover for all of this ?

* How long will it last ?  How much will it cost ?
* Where will Mr Osborne fund it from ?  Please tell me we are not proposing to borrow more to achieve this ?

* And lastly, those who usually get overlooked:
* How are we planning to brief our servicemen and women ?
* What improvements are we making to care for the injured ?
* What welfare arrangements are being put in place for the families of those involved ?

The end of the Royal Navy Search and Rescue service - my verse isn't very good but someone needs to say it.

The Royal Navy has shouldered its fair share of the UK Search and Rescue Service, with 771 Naval Air Squadron, from HMS Seahawk near Helston and 819 Naval Air Squadron (since Nov 2001 as HMS Gannet SAR Flight of 771 NAS), from HMS Gannet near Prestwick.

In the past, 705 NAS and 772 NAS also contributed.

At RNAS Culdrose (HMS Seahawk), 771 NAS operated from the west side of the base, near the main road from Helston to The Lizard. Its Sea King SAR helicopters were a welcome sight in the skies over Cornwall and Devon.



What shall we do with D site now that 771 has gone ?

In the rough and in the night time
771's brave boys patrolled,
bringing safety and salvation
to those poor, imperilled souls.

They've done our Search and Rescue
'til January of sixteen.
The job's now gone to Bristows
and they all seem quite keen

to carry forth that blazing torch
(it must be quite a thrill).
Three cheers now for those Bristow crews;
they've got big boots to fill.

And so around our coast they flew
from Penzance to Lundy's Isles:
A final lap of honour, which
brought waves and beaming smiles.

The threshold of Three Six now quiet;
an engine hoist stands lone.
No sounds of tired maintainers
or the whining of those Gnomes.

The hangar's bare, the birds have flown,
no need for Sea King spares
and Westland's icon now has gone
to scrapheaps here and there.

The service lapsed, the crews have gone,
no aircraft for the role.
The training value of these flights
was worth its weight in gold.

We cannot have our Navy
doing jobs that could be paid
for from that Government Department,
that was the Board of Trade.

But Whitehall's full of Knaves and Fools
who've never known the need
to get our shot down aircrew back
from combat zones, at speed.

Let's hope our erstwhile cousins
have Jolly Greens enough to spare,
when hostile acts upon our crews
cause mayhem without care.

What shall we do with D site
now that 771 has gone ?